Ask Permission!
“Personally, I’m always ready to learn, although I’m not always ready to be taught.”
– Sir Winston Churchill
British Statesman, Author and Speaker
1874 — 1965
Before you probe, before you present, before you plan…
“Excuse me. Is it OK with you if I mess around in your brain for a spell?”
“Would it be alright for me to ask you some questions?”
“May I advise you?”
“Alright if I offer some coaching here?”
There’s an invisible line of demarcation between your mind and his.
Before his idea becomes yours, it must pass over the line of acceptance.
So what impedes the stately march of an idea over the bridge, over the line, into your territory?
Well, a lot actually.
You’ve got to agree to his logic. You have to be moved by his emotion. You’ve got to recognize a need for things to change. You’ve got to like the idea — and the other guy. And before all that, you’ve got to accept and bless the process. And you’ll be warmer to that if he asks permission.
“I wonder, would you permit me to suggest an alternative perspective?”
Yes, it’s anachronistic (that’s English for “Old School”). It’s exceedingly polite. It’s — nice!
And, it has a way of getting one to lay aside one’s well stoked hostility to new ideas just long enough for the logic, the feeling, the beauty of the others guy’s point of view to get just a foothold, just a few steps on the bridge toward the line of demarcation.
And sometimes that’s all it takes.
Now this is not the way a lot of people play in this decade. We’re all bluster, shouting, name calling and denial. We just barge into the listener’s mind, knocking over the furniture and leaving muddy footprints on the carpet. We never ask permission and we never dignify the process… And exactly how well is that working for you?
So if you’ve taken a look at contemporary argumentation — and found it lacking; perhaps what you’ve found missing is this: Permission.
It isn’t a “Buy It, Don’t Buy It!” world. It’s not that quick, sudden, cold or binary. It’s not either/or. We get the drift of a new idea, then it lingers a bit, maybe because the speaker looked a little different and attractive, maybe they weren’t all armored up, maybe they smiled and took their time; and maybe they asked permission to enter the demilitarized zone in your mind, and you gave permission for the visit.
Now it’s up to you to hold this concept up to the light and see if it has any socially redeeming value. Check it out, see how it tastes, how it feels, how it works, how it reasons. “As a new idea seeps into your consciousness, the temperature of your welcome is all about how nicely it was presented.”
Maybe you go for it. Maybe you don’t. That’s all the speaker can ask — fair evaluation. But they will never even get that far without asking and receiving permission.
It’s old school all right. And it works! In a world where everyone is simply barging in and pushing the furniture around, stand out by asking permission!
Applications
1. Individually
May I presume to offer a suggestion? Perhaps I could be of some assistance? Would it be all right with you if I… At the store, in the auto shop, at church, with an elder, remember that before being granted “Friend” status, I have to “clear the gate and security.”
“Asking Permission” is how it’s done.
2. At Home
Well this is where many of us start skipping the niceties and getting right to telling everyone the important stuff — Exactly What WE Think! Then we carry that casual disregard for the privacy, consideration or comfort of others right out into the world —leaving a trail of angry and disgruntled people in our wake. Imagine the power of reversing that trend where it often starts: at Home! “Listen” your partner off the ceiling. Hear them out! Give the children and grand parents alike the benefit of a long listen and a sage pause before enquiring as to their willingness to countenance another viewpoint. Ask permission! And watch their perception of you improve…
3. At Work
Work seems to bring out everyone’s demanding and competitive style. Too many of us want to talk at once, reaching for the spotlight… What about begging the group’s indulgence for a totally new and untried idea? Ask for their forbearance of criticism. Request the honor of a full breath after each contribution. Begin to be known as the one who waits for and is granted permission before forging ahead. You’ll be surprised. As you start thinking of everyone else and asking permission; they may just start giving it to you!
It’s a pushy world out there. But you can be different. “Ask, and ye shall receive!”
Before you probe, before you present, before you plan… Ask permission!
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