Cycle of Communication
“Silence was meaningful to the Lakota, and his granting a space of silence before talking was done in the practice of true politeness and applied the rule that ‘thought comes before speech.’ In the midst of sorrow, sickness, death or misfortune of any kind, and in the presence of the notable or great, silence was the mark of true respect. Strict observance of this tenet of good behavior was the reason, no doubt, for his [the Lakota] being given the false characterization by the white man of being a stoic. He was often judged to be dumb, stupid, indifferent or unfeeling.”
—Chief Luther Standing Bear
Leader of the Oglala Lakota Sioux
How does it work in your daily experience? Are people listening really well, then thinking carefully before speaking?
Or are we, in many cases, simply talking, talking and talking some more?
From our perspective, the omnipresence of social media has made it easier to commit ourselves to a state of endless public comment, without the intervening niceties of listening and thinking. Call it Addictive Chronic Posting…
Too many people Speak without Listening, Listen without Thinking, and Think without ever Giving Voice to their candid perceptions. If you’re feeling disconnected, alienated, or distanced from your peers or life in general, look at your habits of communication and discover whether you’ve been leaving out two thirds of the process. Standing Bear (and the Lakota Sioux) may have something to teach us about dealing with distraction and multi-tasking.
To restore that missing depth to your relationships, you’ve got to do all three!
Applications
1. For You
A dose of that respectful silence with others might add some luster to your image. Where’s the harm in waiting a beat or two before jumping in? Why not look at your counterparts a little longer, wait a second or two more, think a little about what brought the other person to where they are… then give yourself time to formulate an origination or a response. We’re all poised for outrage in this time of instant response. Why not take the “instant” out of it, and give yourself time to be thoughtful and wise in your communication?
2. For the Family
Families today are an eerie combination of “All at Once!” Or “All Quiet on the Electronic Front!” Are you finding yourself “Lost in the Desert of Electronic Dis-Connection?” Many are discovering it helpful to enact “Rules of the House” by putting all the devices away for charging at certain times to allow for genuine personal dialogue. A treaty may not be required, but a “Family Summit” might be in order.
3. At work
Have you found yourself standing at the head of a conference table, addressing a roomful of heads and hair as your colleagues listen with their heads down? We’ve seen it solved by making conference rooms “device free zones” during meetings. We all have the skills, it’s just that the devices interfere.
The Sioux may have a lot to teach us about deep connections and multi-dimensional communication. Being organized and strategic are absolutely necessary. But imagine what you can add by making more room for respectful silence and thought.
Dessert:
Amazon is pushing the boundaries of traditional meetings by beginning with… silence! Attendees read and scribble margin notes from a six-page, “narratively structured memo” about the issue to be discussed. Only after everyone has finished reading, which can take up to a half-hour, does the discussion begin. Most importantly, this meeting method has given each attendee the time to think.
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