Withstanding the Silence
The Sales & Counselor SellingSM Series
“The challenge isn’t knowing what to say, or sell, but to “withstand the silence” that comes when you ask a thoughtful question.”
– Jennifer R. StJohn
Speaker, Consultant, Executive Counselor
Founder of The Fusion Group
(1952 – 2018)
The Problem: Passive Listening
It’s the way we do it without thinking — or training… Reading in the den with a Beethoven symphony… Or breakfast outside on the deck with the wildlife… Or in Manhattan perhaps, with the sirens, traffic and car alarms down on the street…
This kind of listening is passive, and doesn’t require that the listener connect, take notice, interact, guide, reach for or make any conclusion. It doesn’t really matter if the listener is present. If a tree falls in this forest, it won’t make a sound. Many have subscribed to this method over the years, by defining “listening” as “something one does passively while waiting to talk.” Unfortunately, there are limits to what can be accomplished with passivity.
“Look, I can listen just fine,” says a student, “but I can’t stand the damned silence!” And that may be the biggest challenge to the finely tuned, tightly wrapped, polished, smart, articulate people carrying the bag out there — they just can’t wait to start talking if only to fill the silence.
But it’s not just our friends in business; it’s all of us! We’re so full of information that must be shared that we need Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Twitter, unlimited texting services, Bluetooth cell phones, computers and of course, the postal service to help us generate, deliver and broadcast our moment-to-moment stream of consciousness. Like little children, we’re all dying to be heard and understood — Right This Instant! But if no one listens, what?
The Prescription: Active Listening
Would an adult sales professional view this as a challenge/opportunity? Recognizing that everyone seems hungry for understanding, can I respond creatively to that need/desire and become more of a Counselor/Listener: creating alliances by connecting more solidly to each client? Can I grow beyond pushing my stuff into understanding their universe better?
Seems like a worthwhile path to explore… but there is that terrible silence out there. How do I win the war on the silence?
Execution: Engaged Receptivity
The best teachers (and sales professionals), we are told, don’t so much spend time talking, as creating a “Safe and Curious” space where people can think out loud, share their challenges and discover the answers through this new state of “engaged receptivity” …
This is an active discipline, requiring strategy, tactics and execution — you know, a plan!
Strategy:
What is my portfolio of products and services? Am I so well organized that I can deliver a two to three-minute overview of any one of them on ten seconds notice? (What kind of things can I talk about if invited?) Now that I have the ability to speak, I don’t feel compelled to! What is the range of things this prospect is likely to need, or be curious about? These are my prepared arguments… Good to have at hand; but don’t speak yet — if nothing else presents itself, you are prepared to sell something! But wait!
Tactics:
Here’s where the Counselor/Listener shines. Withstanding the urge to fill the silence with product information, he instead, invites the client to fill the space. “Bill, I can talk all day, but that won’t help me get at what’s bothering you. What’s bothering you?” (Of course, you have to direct, counter, invite and maybe nudge; but this is where the fun begins — where you begin to understand your client.)
Here’s some of the best advice we’ve encountered:
- “Sink into” the other person
- “Merge with/become one with”
- See if you can “absorb their universe”
- This is “an act of intimacy”
To many, the idea of public intimacy with a stranger evokes an “eeeewwww!” response.
But there it is. To be a great listener, you have to be able to withstand the silence, let your walls recede, lay aside your prepared text, silence the internal voices and “allow the relationship to take shape.”
Listening is the skill, but “withstanding the silence” is the secret.
Applications
1. Individually
Nobody is well enough understood. But as individuals, we have the opportunity to create, manage and learn from our own approaches to listening. How does it work for you? Is it passive and relaxed, or is it a little more active and focused? Can you spend a week noticing and diagnosing your listening style? Where is your attention when listening? On yourself, planning strategy, or still on that client across the table?
2. At Home
Nobody at home gets enough real attention. But it’s getting harder to compete with all those great electronic toys. Perhaps a Family Summit might give your gang the chance to agree on a time and a place in which the only communication allowed is with eye-contact and in person… Is it time to re-create the American Family?
3. At Work
Active listening is more important at the highest levels of the organization. But it pays dividends wherever it’s applied. Is there an over-achiever on your team who needs to learn the next big skill — and shut up? How about a high performing leader who motivates well, but needs to get the issues just right? How can you listen your way into the confidence of your management team?
The best counselors and sellers are those who can withstand the silence!
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