In Conflict
“The wise do not quarrel.
So, no one quarrels with them.
Therefore, the ancients say,
‘Yield and Overcome!’”
— Lao Tsu…Tao Te Ching
You’ve been there: that much too intense moment when that other person, (lover, spouse, colleague, sibling, competitor) gets right up in your face: Loud, Direct, and Challenging… Dares you to take your best shot!
… as Eons go by… You think about it…
… As we see it, three options present themselves:
I. Do it! Hit them!
or
II. Raise the Stakes! Say something more hurtful, challenging, aggressive…
or
III. Give in… Look away, then back away from the precipice…
Let’s take advantage of this literary distance, and analyze the choices…
Can skillful communication help?
Once again, the Options:
1: Hit Them!
Want to know how a lifetime of guilt, regret and sadness can feel? Go ahead… Swing!
Maybe you connect, and it stops. But it doesn’t stop… it just starts a different cycle. If you hurt them… it will continue, maybe to the hospital…
Even if there’s no obvious physical injury, it will continue anyway, because from now on, you’ll wear “The Violent Badge…” A permanent burden, and of course, an ominous, silent threat.
Or maybe it doesn’t end just there, but repeats… And how does that work out? The end of the marriage, relationship, family, friendship, partnership as you know them, can be traced right back to the moment when that punch “connected.”
So think hard about violence… because there’s no fixing it and no taking it back. To strike someone is a choice. But so is not striking…
11: Raise the Stakes… Say something worse!
Well, this eliminates the option of backing down, for either side…The more unforgivable things said, the less room remains for compromise, thoughtful silences or a rational resolution. So escalating isn’t really an option, it’s just a momentary delay until Options I or III cycle around again…
III: Give in. Look away, then back away…
Well, it appears to be a loss doesn’t it? “The Great Western Stare Down.” He or She who breaks eye contact first, Loses. Then, you’re forever whipped.
But maybe not…
Consider Something a little different: A Strategic Retreat.
(When Something’s Got to Give… Why not just Let It Give?)
What if you don’t break that eye contact, but instead, keep looking and say, “I don’t like this place we’ve reached, and I don’t want it to continue. This is not the way I want to relate with you. So while I’m not conceding, I’m choosing to not take it any further, until we can still disagree, but talk it out more quietly…”
“I’m going to back away now and pause. If you want to talk or maybe make peace later, you can find me in the den, the office, the break room, etc…”
It’s not cowardice to back away to avoid giving (or suffering) injury…
As to communication, the only way this works, is if you can maintain the power of fully direct eye contact while you back away. Breaking eye contact conveys defeat and submission, and leaves you open to being interpreted as having given up. You’ll be pursued, and backed into a corner.
Well, those are the options, when things get ugly, but maybe you can avert disaster with a little high powered eye contact.
“Yield and Overcome.” may be a viable, yet still undiscovered, third option.
Applications
1. For You
Have you thought about it? Your limit? How much anger, frustration or pressure will it take for your limits to crack and release the words or the blows that will forever change your life (and others) for the worse? If you haven’t thought about it, do! Then think about how you might handle such a moment with restraint and class… There’s no one right way — there are lots of them. But being willing to look directly, deeply and firmly in the eyes of an angry friend or family member is where finding a way out begins.
2. At Home
Did your Dad “Lay Down the Law” to a sibling? Did a brother or sister break under the pressure of adolescent limitations? Did it get right up to the edge? Can you serve up the benefit of age and maturity to model for your family the benefits of strategic retreats over angry confrontations?
3. At Work
It’s hard to keep attacking someone who looks right at you as they repeat their measured thoughtful argument without undue emotion. It’s also hard to keep attacking someone who gives you room to be heard. So consider adding the long pause, the deep breath/sigh and the ultra-direct glance (not stare) to your repertoire…
“Yield and Overcome” was never intended to mean “surrender.” It means instead, that to pause and yield as force spends itself, is a superior tactic. If you want to grow old together, “Yield and Overcome.”
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