Days and Nights in Hell

“Attachment is the very opposite of love.
Love says, ‘I want you to be happy.’
Attachment says, ‘I want you to make me happy.’”
—Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo

Have you had one of those “Days or Nights in Hell” with an intimate partner, a family member or a close associate? The idea you’re propounding never seems to take shape in their mind? The penny never drops… Nothing hits the spot. They seem to have just landed from an alien planet, or worse, they have been captured by aliens, leaving an angry and hostile counterfeit in their place? (Looks like Linda, but not Linda…) The right words don’t come, and when a thought takes shape, they view it with a hostile eye, as if it originated in an unholy place. The more you talk, the worse it becomes…

A night from Hell indeed…

Why?

Getting down into the foundations of communication theory, we rediscover that a key element in communication is “Distance.”

So?

Well, we are so close to our intimates sometimes, that there is practically no distance between us. The wise among you will, of course, say, “Right — that’s why they’re called intimates!”

That’s true, of course (and highly desirable…) but without distance, they can’t get an objective view of our message. And we haven’t the time or space to objectively receive, process and understand theirs. We may just confidently blurt it out, knowing what we know, but not knowing how the message looks, sounds or feels in their space — especially in the light of their day…

Communication Formulae

Stimulus ….…… Ordination/Cognition …Response
Cause ….….……. Distance ……….…..………Effect
Intention ……… Attention …..…….…..……Duplication
Beginning ….…. Time & Space …….….…..End

Intimacy can sometimes ruin communication, because the limited distance involved, (insufficient time and space) inclines us to mistake ourselves for the other — expecting them to know what we know, see what we see, think as we think…

Having become so close, our expectations become unreal and hyper-emphatic. When we have, speak, or act on a thought, we get angry when the other doesn’t get it instantly and fall in line… (“Get with the program!”)

That’s the formula for a “Night in Hell!”

Applications

1. For You
It’s important to realize that other people, even the ones you care about the most, are just that: Other People. So if things start Going South, communication wise, solve by restoring a little distance. Add a little time and space to the formula so neither of you is crushed. Take a little longer to receive and process before responding. Pause, and get some refreshment before wading in to that highly charged discussion.

Distance. Time. Space. They cost nothing, but they allow communication to mature before anyone reacts.

2. At Home
Yeah. This is the place where time and space go to evaporate.
“I’m going to separate you kids!” Never made so much sense.

So when things with the kids or the spouse seem to be descending into a pressure cooker, pause and consider: Can this family relationship be saved with the addition of time, space and distance?

3. At Work
We are close. Sometimes on top of each other. There are fewer walls, private spaces and a “Hurry, hurry, Go!” time frame at work that makes it easy to get fried. Consider going off site for a meeting or a conference. Obviously, that’ll add time, space and distance to the communication formula. Surprisingly, a change of scene and location can have major effects.

It’s easy to mistake communication for something that’s exclusively intellectual. “After all, who needs distance?” We get attached to others and squeeze out the time and space… And therein lies the mistake. Those people you care about are close, but still not you.

Add a little distance and the forced attachment melts away… leaving room for genuine connection, love and communication to go back to work.

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